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Blended Whiskey

Father’s Day Gift Guide

Father’s Day is here again, and if you’re reading this it means you have a dad. You might not know him, but he’s out there somewhere—possibly Mexico—spraying his seed about the place and making more humans.

If you do know your dad—and you’re still on good terms despite him declaring that (insert offensive thing a dad would say) last Christmas—you’re going to want to get him something special this Father’s Day (which is Sunday) to let him know that even though he fucked you up by inadvertently dumping all his trauma onto you, you still love him for keeping you alive until you were old enough to do it yourself. Let’s have a look at some stuff you might consider giving your dear old dad (the man whose penis you shot out of) this fathers day.

Tails Cocktails. Let’s face it, dads like to get buzzed. It’s funny how they try to appear sophisticated as they get older, eschewing homebrew in favor of sherry from their little sherry keg they keep in the pantry, but they still get on it, and Tails Cocktails will make them feel like they’re even more refined than ever. Tails Cocktails is an exclusive range of ready-to-serve cocktails that provide the flavor and complexity of hand-made-by-a-guy-with-a-mustache-project cocktails, but you just shake and pour over ice yourself. The range includes a Whiskey Sour with Dewar’s blended scotch whisky, Espresso Martini with 42BELOW vodka, a Gin Gimlet with Bombay Sapphire gin, and a Passionfruit Martini with 42BELOW vodka. Yum!

Noise-canceling Headphones: This one was suggested by one of Monster Children’s founders, who, because of his penis, has many children. In fact, he has so many children, that he has to block them out from time to time to protect them from being throttled. And that’s where noise-canceling headphones come in. Pop these on and drift away to the dulcet sounds of literally anything besides your own children. These are also good for the dads whose children have moved out of home but whose wife hasn’t. Don’t be like that. You guys use almost three times as many words as we do in a day. It’s exhausting.

A dad watching ‘Allo Allo’ bloopers recently

Turntable/Hifi: Not cheap and you’ll probably want to pass the hat around your siblings (if you have them), but a record player would make your old man super-happy. If your dad is like my dad, he took the turntable to the tip when CDs came out, and now all his records are buried somewhere in the garage. Imagine how stoked he’d be this Father’s Day when he gently lowers the needle on ZZ Top’s ‘La Grange’ for the first time in thirty years… Or is that just my dad?

Bunnings Gift Voucher: One of the few times the gift of a gift voucher isn’t unthoughtful and lame. The only dad who wouldn’t get excited about having $100 to spend at Bunnings is a mum. You’ve been to Bunnings and seen all the old farts waddling around the aisles like children in a toy store. They love that shit. This is a good Father’s Day gift, and you can order it online in about 15 seconds. Easy. You’re welcome, pops.

Socks Subscription: I feel like this is a gift you could to pretty much anyone and they’d be stoked. New socks in the mail every month? Yes, please. Socks are one of those things that make you really happy, but you kinda don’t look after it. Like, I know from experience that when I have new socks I’m all ‘Yes! New socks!’ But I never think to buy them until my old ones start to suck. Girls are smart enough to buy themselves nice new socks (and a decent blender, expensive scented candles, and better vitamins than what they sell at the supermarket), but men are a bit dopey in that dept. So, sort your dad with a socks subscription. 

Whiskey Tasting at Baxter’s Inn. This is a great one if your old man is around Sydney. Send that old bugger off to a rare whiskey tasting this Father’s Day at the Baxter’s Inn. Close your eyes and imagine your dad entering Baxter’s Inn (rated one of the best whisky bars in the world) outside of regular opening hours for a guided whisky tasting with some of the most knowledgeable, engaging, and entertaining whiskologists in the business. You can see it, can’t you? Look how happy and special he feels, pissed up with a bunch of other old bastards while nerds prattle away in the background. The tasting includes beer pairings, cocktails, tee shirts, and collectible gifts and rarities from the Ardbeg and Glenmorangie distilleries (dad swag).⁠ It’s a ticketed event, so click through quick.

A Time Machine: The greatest gift of all is the gift of a time machine that will enable your father to go back in time and pop on a jimmy-hat the night you were conceived. You’ll never track down a dad who regrets becoming a father, but if you gave them the option of finding out what would’ve happened if they didn’t get pregnant, they’d take a look. Would they come back? If you get Father’s Day right they will. Otherwise, they’re gone, daddy-o.

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