When it comes to Christmas, gift-giving is so much more than ugly sweaters, socks, diamonds, bow-topped Lexuses (Lexi?) and stuff you regifted a couple of years earlier and has now made its way back to you.
As we’ve revealed in our somewhat-annual Let’s Talk Christmas Gift Guides, there’s a whole world out there … one from which you can draw unusual, creative, fun and well, offbeat gifts and stocking stuffers with which to delight your friends and loved ones. And even if you’re a last-minute shopper, the e-retailers that offer said items can get them to you in time for you to save face and not have to sheepishly hand over a “dry card” (a Christmas card with no money in it) or an IOU.
Let’s get to it; it’s already mid-month and Santa’s waiting to throw your tokens of love on his sleigh:
Let’s Talk Christmas Gift Guide
A Barbie X Maserati Grecale Troffo SUV, $330,000, neimanmarcus.com (for more information or to purchase, call 877-696-2737)
Wow, forget the Barbie Dream House! This pink luxurymobile, one of the retailer’s annual fantasy-gift offerings, features “black leather seats with pink leather accents throughout” and “headrests … branded with a signature ‘B’ badge. Paying homage to the timeless Maserati 250F design and vintage Barbie-doll packaging, fine lines in a vibrant yellow color adorn the Maserati Fuoriserie logo and air vents, while the Neiman Marcus and Barbie logos are presented in glossy black.” OK, when I stop being able to even comprehend the description, I know I can’t begin to afford to give this vehicle to any Barbie enthusiast friends I may have. Maybe you can.
Or maybe you need something a li’l cheaper. How about this:
Authentic Personalized 50 Cal Ammo Box, $39.99 (sale), personalizationmall.com
Need a hint gift for that newly-grown offspring who won’t go to college, get a job or move out? This is a genuine, used military surplus item complete with “scratches, scuffs, dents, rust and other marks.” For that manly man in your life, you can follow the lead set by the online display photo and turn the box into a guy’s gift basket, stuffing it with cigars, whiskey, beef jerky and such. And hey, you can throw in the Authentic Personalized Foster & Rye Matte Army Green Flask, also $39.99.
Chicken Leg Pillow, $23.80, walmart.com
“Some people love food above all else, and chicken legs are delicious comfort food. This pillow is perfect for food and chicken lovers,” according to the come-hither text for this pillow, which measures some 21.7-by-9.8 inches. “They will proudly display this pillow on the couch or snuggle up with it in bed at night.” Warning: If your giftee has an easily fooled dog, it would be an understatement to say that such a gift would be in mortal danger of being chewed. Or maybe the dog would just stand back and give your giftee the side-eye.
A “Don’t Do Meth in Our Bathroom” candle by Wax & Witt, “the Urban Candle Company,” $16.16, amazon.com
A lot of things I could say here. Just a few: How about a full range of don’t-abuse-this-or-that-subtance-in-our-bathroom” candles? How about a mere “Please Courtesy Flush” candle? Or a write-in candle for the absent-minded: “Note to Self: Your other towels are in the utility closet.”
Note: If you go for this item, please make sure the person your gift recipient’s candle would be addressing isn’t you.
Descriptive soap for family members, $11.95 at offthewagonshop.com
These are handmade vegan soaps dedicated to The Trophy Husband (Smells like sittin’ back and lookin’ good”); The Fun Uncle (“Smells like crushing beer cans and floor wrestling”); The Cool Aunt (“Smells like wine breath and inappropriate conversation”). If your giftee isn’t related to you, simply present the Slightly Unhinged soap (“Smells like unpredictable behavior.”) Surprised not to see any soaps for the Drunk Uncle, Big Mama (the family matriarch) and the Disliked Boyfriend, but perhaps those are in production.
Millennials vs. Boomers Trivia Game, $18, uncommongoods.com
Purchase with caution — you may end up being a sower of discord with this gift. “According to the internet, boomers think millennials are a bunch of whiners, and millennials say boomers are out of touch,” reads the copy. “So which generation would triumph in a contest to see how much they really know about each other?” The game boasts a deck of more than 200 trivia cards that pit the one generation against the other. Boomers will have to answer questions from the millennial era, and vice versa. It could be a war … or it could be a snoozer. One reviewer complained that it was too easy; another said it became “obsolete” after a couple of family games.
And there’s a bit of Arkansas there among the Neiman Marcus fantasy gifts: a Legendary Basketball Matchup With the Pippens, $333,333; call (877) 966-4438 for more info. Hamburg native and retired NBA star Scottie Pippen teams with his LA-Lakers son, Scottie Jr., to offer your gift recipient the chance to shoot hoops with them in Los Angeles. “Following the shootaround, unwind and recap with a private dinner hosted by Pippen and Pippen Jr. As a final slam dunk to your day, sample Pippen’s premier bourbon whiskey, Digits, and then take home an autographed copy of his bestselling book ‘Unguarded.'”
(I realize you might be saying — in the vein of Chris Rock’s cheapskate character, Cheap Pete, in the movie “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka” — “Good grief, that’s a lot of money! Can you just get on TV, give my giftee a shout-out, and toss the ball toward the camera for a hunnut dollahs?”)
And finally: The Nut Button Toy, $16.99, amazon.com
Whew! The accompanying looooong, rambling, PG-13 copy adds to the novelty of this stocking stuffer, a take on the Staples store chain’s noted Easy button. “WHAT IS THE NUT BUTTON: C’mon man, seriously? … This is the most useful gadget ever created. If you don’t know what to get your wife’s boyfriend this holiday season … WHO IS THIS FOR: The Nut Button is for anyone who laughs at dumb jokes. … If you still hear the voice of your math teacher yelling at you to get your head off of the desk, then this is the white elephant gift for you … . WHY SHOULD I BUY THIS: … There is way worse stuff to spend 20 bucks on. If you still go to sleep with your red anime body pillow by your side … you should add this button to your wish list immediately. … ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THESE DESCRIPTIONS: I am so serious, are you? If you don’t click the add to cart function after reading these bullet points, I don’t know what to tell you. I could’ve been playing Roblox or Fortnite instead of wasting my time typing out these insights … .”
Dang it, I’ll order the dang thing, OK? Just shut up!
‘Tis the email: hwilliams@adgnewsroom.com